As things are changing, this Ute fan thought it would be appropriate to write an open love-letter to our conference mates, not knowing how many more times we may play them. After all, the last decade has been the best of my football life. Without further ado, my heartfelt feelings for each team:
Wazzou: The 28-27 loss to you and the Pirate was one of the most painful for me in the Pac-12. Respect. Give my best to Fresno, Nevada, and Utah State at your next stop. Love the GameDay flag.
Washington: You guys are like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of the conference. I mean you made the playoff with Chris Peterson! Great stadium, awesome scene, amazing recruiting opportunities! And yet lately you can’t seem to get out of your own way. Either way I love the purple unis. Just keep owning it.
Arizona: Teach us the ways of your recruiting pool parties. It got you Gronk, and we’re intrigued. Sean Miller was such a sweaty cheater – – and I kinda love that you all embraced that and pretended not to notice. Ha ha, that was fun. As for football – – please try harder. Let’s hold hands and skip into our new conference. P.S. – ASU sucks.
Arizona State: Speak of the devil. Todd Graham is a turd. Herm Edwards is a double turd. That illegal hit penalty on the kickoff? Triple turds all around! Simpsons got you guys right, and your campus full of future flight attendants can burn in the lowest circle of hell. The Fiesta Bowl in your stadium January 2005 is literally the only positive memory I have of anything associated with ASU.
Colorado: We joined the Pac-12 together. We both were leaving abusive relationships (Nebraska, BYU), and although we became “paper-rivals” it felt more like a kinship than a rivalry. Part of this, of course, is that we continue to beat you like a red-headed stepchild on the football field. Another part of it, however, is that you just seem to be good folks, with a good school, who are pretty chill – probably due to the weed. Much love, hope to see you on the other side.
Cal: Well, we’ve come a long way from Marshawn Lynch and DeSean Jackson haven’t we? The Jared Goff Game Day game will always be in my heart. And remember, there’s still no “Stanfordium.” Like you, we are a righteous public institution flanked by a pompous private entity to our South. Brothers for life. Please don’t quit football.
Oregon: All sizzle no steak boys. Remember that time we thumped you in SLC and you all spent two weeks talking about how that couldn’t possibly happen again? Then we thumped you by almost the exact same score two weeks later? Lol. You’re all about the unis, and not about the testes (Sewell excepted). War Boobie Hobbs still returning that punt. You want to leave us, but you can’t. You wish you could quit us. But hey – love is love – and we are Brokeback Brothers. Love – your “big spoon” Utes.
Oregon State: Nothing but love here. You guys have my respect, and if there was a Pac-12 team I would cheer for if the Utes weren’t around, it’s the Beavs. I feel for you with the Ducks, its like living with a big sister who is super rich from her OnlyFans account while you spend your days working on an assembly line. Chin up, she won’t be pretty forever, and you know how to work.
Stanford: You trees always had a way of making us feel special. Whether you were ranked or unranked, we seemed to own you. Also, your band and student body share a loathing for a certain Team Down South. For that, we will always love you – even if the football’s gone. At least then you’ll be able to keep your band full of geniuses off the field in the middle of the game. Please solve climate change.
USC: You are the Kardashian of the old Pac-12. Famous for having a huge arse and a sex tape, right? Certainly not famous for any football exploits recently. You’ve been to the same number of Rose Bowls as we have in the Pac-12 era and same number of Pac-12 title games- just longer ago. Not sure why you feel so good about yourselves. You’re gonna turn Fox and the B1G Network into E! soon enough. Then again, you’ve got the sweaters. Aw gosh, we just can’t stay mad at you. We’ll be following you on Instagram. Let us be your Pete Davidson. We’re skinny, kinda ugly, yet charming and somehow getting’ all the chicks. That’s the Utes. Let’s do this. Bring us with you…. Please? Kim + Pete for life. See ya Oct 15th – when we’re definitely gonna make orphans of your children.
UCLA: You guys make me laugh. If USC is the Kardashian, ya’ll a little more like Mama June, know what I mean? You’re on TV, you’re famous, you might be rich?, you lost the weight (moving to B1G), but dang. The Rose Bowl was awesome, thanks for helping us get there. Westwood is awesome. I don’t think I could focus on football if I was in that environment either. My love for UCLA was sealed when a student called a LA TV station during that big water-pipe break on campus, said his name was Alfred Slungpue, and told the news it was probably caused by somebody taking a huge dump. BTW, you’re gonna get crushed in the B1G. Call us for home and home, we like W’s.
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