Seeking some advice…

[St George Ute]

I’m not sure you drunk heathens are the best to ask, but…

Just kidding. Many of you are a bit older and more experienced than I, so I seek the wise and sage advice of my fellow Utes and friends.

My oldest (almost 19) just graduated high school a few months ago and seems to have no direction in his life. Since graduation, he’s quit 2 jobs and been fired from another. None of the jobs he’s had were for more than a couple weeks.

He prefers to just sleep during the day and play video games at night. We keep asking him what he plans to do, and he talks about maybe going to school, but won’t commit to it or make any effort to register or get started.

Honestly, I think he’s afraid to leave the nest and the comforts of home. He’s always been afraid of change and of moving outside of his comfort zone. So much so that he’s to the point where he’s just scared of even trying.

Since graduation, we’ve been charging him a small rent plus making him pay his car and phone payments. We were hoping that would help begin teaching him some adulting skills. But as he can’t keep a job, he’s just been building up a bill.

So what do I do to get him to start “adulting”? I just want him to get started on something. Any progress would be nice. My wife was so fed up with him this morning (after learning he was fired from his new job after 1 week) that she took his TV, playstation, phone, and car from him.

I’m thinking of setting him up on a daily schedule where he sort of shadows me, but instead of working he would be cleaning the house, reading/studying my old textbooks, and looking for a job.

Any of you been through similar situations? Any advice you can give me. Much appreciated…

Go Utes!!!

 

[Red Don]

Yikes, good luck with that.  I’m concerned you may be several years too late.

[St George Ute]

Yeah, this has been a battle we’ve waged all his life. We tried getting him into extracurricular activities, sports, music, even scouts, but he’s fought against us the whole time. He has a bit of social anxiety disorder which makes it even harder to get him going.

[uteman12]

I would find out what your son is truly passionate about. He isn’t too old to start something in life. Find his passions and then support him in what he wants to pursue. There are plenty of ways for self learning nowadays, especially if he is looking to pursue something in the tech world. I’m a web developer and I self taught myself while I was attending school on sites like: Udemy, Pluralsight, Lynda, CodeAcademy, etc.

[Tony (admin)]

Set boundaries and dates, and enforce them.  My oldest (now long gone and on her own) had some similar issues. Stayed up all night, showed up at 6am, slept all day.  I finally got fed up with it and set up the house rules.  I gave her until a specific date 6 months out to comply with all rules or she would agree to leave if she couldn’t.  When the date came she knew she hadn’t kept her end of the bargain and she knew she had to leave. It was rough at first because she couldn’t find anywhere to go, but somehow found a room somewhere.  It was the beginning of her becoming independent. Kind of like the mother bird shoving the chicks out of the next.  Fly or die.

[GameForAnyFuss]

This. It sounds like he needs some tough love.

Your wife already did what I think is the most important thing: Got rid of his video game system. Video games are the biggest unproductive waste of time in the history of mankind.

Now get rid of every other “time suck” in his life (TV, internet, social media) and give him an ultimatum and STICK TO IT.

[Tony (admin)]

If I might add to my comment… years later my daughter thanked me for doing that. Said she needed it.

[RiseasUtes]

Does he have anxiety, social issues etc?  If it could be tied to a mental/phycological disorder you may want to try a therapist/phycologist.

Or if he keeps talking about college, go with him and help him get registered.

[St George Ute]

Thanks everyone for the responses. They give me lots to consider and think about.

Life is hard, especially as a parent with kids in today’s world. We’re going to give him an ultimatum. If he fails to live up to his responsibilities, then he’s going to have to find another place to live. We’ll also look into one of those adult transitional programs.

Much appreciated!

[Red Don]

Best of luck.  Hope you can get through to him.

[leftyjace]

Good luck. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that tough love sometimes is necessary. It sucks, but it’s necessary. I hope you’re able to figure things out OK.